Times Like these

This is a post that I wrote a long time ago, but I just couldn't bring myself to publish. However, now I have very much moved on and I just feel like this might help someone who is maybe going/gone through something similar. It is only fair that I share blog posts that I have created. I hope you can forgive me that I didn't share it at the time, I was just going through a lot. Anyway here it is...

Coming out of lock down the one question everyone seemed to be asking was "So what did you do over lockdown?".

That is when my mind came to a halt. What did I really do over lockdown? Whether I just have a really bad memory, but the only thing I can really remember doing was assignments and procrastination (mostly procrastination). When University was finished for the year the restrictions started to ease. That's when we could see up to 4 to 6 people, 2 metres apart of course. I can assure you, I made sure I seen at least 1 person a week. I needed to see someone else's face. No offence to my family, but I need my friends to survive.

There was another reason that I needed my friends. I had just been dumped by my boyfriend. Being at home with only my room to escape to was making me feeling claustrophobic, trapped and alone. I felt like I couldn't breathe, my heart beating out of my chest all the time and just wanting to throw up. Anxiety attacks. I had experienced this feeling before and knew it all too well. Break-ups are the worst! When you are single and you forget that feeling, you almost belittle what other people are going through and say "there are always more fish in the sea". I didn't want anyone else. The thought of another man made me sick. The constant feeling of regret, wanting to call my ex and say, "no I don't accept this" was on my mind when I woke up and when I went to bed. However I had to keep reminding myself that it wouldn't be fair on him to keep going with the relationship. He deserves someone that he loves and cherishes, I just wasn't that girl, as disheartening as that is for me. I have to think of him.

My friends were incredible. I now thank God everyday for the friends that I have. They were so supportive, even when they couldn't do much other than pray for me and take my mind off the loss I was battling with.

For girls who are going through that feeling of loss, anxiety and just really missing someone. My advice is get your head raised and look to heaven. Talk to God. Tell Him how you feel and I can guarantee you that God cares. Remember Jesus lost his best friend [Lazarus] and what did he do? "He wept". A verse that helped me was ..."Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:6-7. I know that it hurts, I know that there are days that you lie in bed crying. There are better days coming.

I cannot say that I am over the break up, because I'm not. I still think about him everyday, but what I do know, is that God is here with me, holding my up in His everlasting arms. I am sure that my ex is away doing brilliantly, he was always able to pick himself up quicker than I was. However I don't begrudge that to him. Everyone needs to smile and be happy in themselves. Could I see him with another girl? No! Of course not, I am still human. Maybe in a year or two.

Some people have asked me, do I regret the relationship?

No I don't. My ex taught me a lot about the Bible, but also about myself. Yes I wish I was able to improve myself by his side, but that wasn't God's plan.

All my Love

Winnie xo